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Wednesday, August 25, 2004

CONTINUATION

I sincerly don't know what's happening with me nowadays since I seem to have lost all the moral for blogging (even updating my blog now seems to take ages and I don't seem to even have the words to write) and instead I have resulted into reading other pple's blogs and trying to relive there lives and acquire there imaginations (no am not a stalker.....).

Of late I have even been asking myself why I do this, for what purpose and for whom, since if it were for someone else then am deeply mistaken since I doubt whether there are pple who even visit this page, if its for myself, then am yet to see the changes. But its funny because since the time I started blogging (which isn't that long) I have found a sort of haven where I can go and upload my anger, thougths, emotions and even opinions about this which I can't or haven't had the courage to speak out loud; guess the blog acts like the shrink and the blogger the patient.

And the main reasons as to why the emotions and thoughts are strong is because, Its me and myself and I can lie to anyone else or pretend but I can't do this to myself, since I will know its all a lie.

Well, got to work on time but not after having to walk amost a mile to catch a bus (I had waited for the bus at my normal stop for almost have an hour, so I gave up and decided to go to the next stop, but on my way there the bus finally decides to show up but it couldn't stop since I wasn't standing at the bus stop), no wonder I get to work tired and sweaty in the morning and have to do damage control after that.

Well today is the big day and all young and hype pple will be meeting at the center, starting 12.00 noon to listen to a bunch of guys from the states, give lectures on abs., there will be muscians, games, food (did I mention that....) and some other exciting stuff but I can honestly say I don't think it will be well with me to go, since I know how messed up and emotional I will get after this, and on top of that am working and have lots of work to do here (I know this is just a lame excuse....) even though I wanted to go, I still have my reservations, considering the guys I will meet there and how I react to them! I think its in my best interest if I don't go.

I guess that's all I have to say for now.

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

INTRODUCTION

Came to the office late to day, reason being I over slept and funny enough I don't feel guitly about it and I don't want to lie about it either, so that means I will have to be quiet about it and neither tell the administrator or MD about it.

During the aftermath (read previous post to know what am talking about), I got to make painful but important changes in my life regarding the so called friends; which so far I don't think am a shamed of. In that period also I found myself ensnarled by my old past and weakness, which I can honestly say I thought I had conquered and overcome but the incidents that took place showed other wise.

But on a postive note I got to find other bloggers out there who were going through the same same thing I was, or have already gone through it at one time or the other and some pretty funny and interesting blogs as well, which if I get the time I promise to add to my collection of bloggers and even comment on them.

I also got to make major changes regarding my weekends especially sundays, which most of the time were full of disappointments and anger thus making me feel so bad about my self. On the same note I got to break the ice between me and the singer and the crew, and even got to spent the last sunday's afternoon with them at church.

If God wills I will try and give an actual account of what transpired, what led to the changes, what was the reaction and effect on both me and the ones affected and what new thing has taken place so far.

Regarding the so called, I have decided to drop both artist and the soontobesinger (it was already overdue) and conncentrate on other things and myself for once. Since all I seemed to get from them was contempt, feeling of being used and rejection. The artist didn't take it lightly but am sorry thats what I had to do (what do you do with a person who seems to be interested in you just for what you can do for them?), I haven't been this open to soontobesinger, but my distance sure has spelt whats on my mind.

I have also decided to do the same as far as the salesperson is concerned, since am tired of his empty promises and hoping that they will change and be the ones to bring the much needed friendship I want, and honestly this I can say has been my biggest problem since am looking to mortal man to get the true friendship instead of christ who is a friend that sticks closer than a brother. I know this will mean having no friends and being lonely but I think its worth it and even if it means having to start all over again, am prepared and this time am wiser.

I can't say that the battle is over; there are still issues I need to work own seriously and pray that God will give me the strength to do it.

So with that let me end this blog and try and do some work.

Friday, August 13, 2004

Horrible

Yesterday guess was the most tramatizing and depressing day I have had so far. I ended up doing things and saying stuff, which not only backfired on me but made me wish otherwise about myself and whole personality (Guess it was the fact that It was Thursday....).

It all started with my pursuit to get revenge and punish those that have erred me and made me feel bad. But who would know that it would all turn against me in the end and make me to start making ammends and seeking forgiveness instead against the very pple who I wanted to punish (Now I admit what I said earier about me and revenge....Its me who ends up getting hurt instead).

And if my memory serves me right It all started in the morning and with pple here at the office, first with giddy (who I ended up feeling bad for what I said), then bureauguy whose very presence was irritating to me, then miss.bureau, administrator (later in the afternoon), and finally guys in technical (so I thought).

So on my way home, and in my mood to show james and david how in a hurry I was, david calls me and I tell him that am in a hurry and he should not waste my time (okay thats the way it sounded)..Well you can imagine after that I felt really bad (instead of feeling better), but the most amazing thing happened. on my way from the shop, guess who I met....the duo and this gave me an opportunity to apologize.

But in the midst of all of this, I still think there is injustice since the guy wasn't even calling me to ask me how I was doing but to tell me about his computer and to make matters worse he seems to be the one offended more than I am and we know who the liar is.

For james I don't see the need of continuing with this friendship, since our aspirations and wants are totally different and the more I am into this relationship the more I feel cheated and taken for a ride and don't forget the fact.......forget it...

So I ask; is it too hard or bad for me to want so genuine friendship and one that I get to feel wanted and appreciated for whom I am and there is no exploitation whastover. This I asked yesterday in the midst of teary eyes and my face looking to God and really wondering whether there was a lesson He was trying to teach me (am sure he would be the first one to advocate for the termination of this friendship). I have reached a point where by the former life of being just by myself seems more interesting and stress free than the one I have gotten myself into.

I seem to do good to others but all I get from them is a kick in the butt, contempt and scorn in return, and if I even try to retariate, I get hit instead. I ask is this fair......

Considering that am yet to go and face an empty house, a hungry cat and unappreciative pple, I really feel bad and all worked up and wish that I was better off in another place and different background than this and even someone else than the person am right now.

The week is over, and I wonder whether I should even bother looking forward to anything for the weekend considering the way my weekends turn out to be (am sure this is part of being postive and open to yourself..). All in all am asking God to give me a nice weekend and free from all this torments so that I can look back when all is done and really say I got to leave through that weekend.

Talking of the weekend, wanted to go to compassion tomorrow but since most guys aren't around, I will be forced to be here in the morning like always.

So with that, I say goodbye and nice weekend.

Thursday, August 12, 2004

I think I will just say that the day has come to an end and am about to head home.

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

My moments

At work again, its a new day, and a new moment. I have no clue what's in store for me, or how then day will turn out to be, but I know who controls my future, who has numbered by days even before I was born and controls my destiny.

Hope to sieze the day today and do whatever I can, since life tends to slip away just like an hour glass, pray and ask strength from God's hands.

Youknowwho hasn't yet come back, so that means its another day of torture for me, especially in the morning and late in the evening, having to cook clean the house and torelate miss.baaker for her noises.

Am feeling edgy right now and all that I want to do is avoid pple right now, if I want to have a nice day.

Tuesday, August 10, 2004

Me and my feelings

Right now am feeling desolate, angry and empty. and to tell you the truth, thats the last feeling I want to have especially when the day is drawing to an end.

All this has been caused and agrivated by none other that the administrator, who a few minutes ago was commanding me on what I should be doing before the 23rd infront of the guys here. And the accusations she is using to accuse me with, are baseless and not even near the truth (am sure that is what mrs.complainer has fed her with.....but the most interesting thing is she didn't even ask me what had happened), I wonder what the others have told her.

This has been going on for too long and I really want it to stop. It as if she does it on purpose or to try and show me how powerfull she is or something (guess this is what pastor chuck was talking about. And it happens just when am trying to find some stability in which I can use to work with (I don't even want to go into what I have done for her...).

All in all I didn't get to implement some of the decisions I had thought out last night concerning giddy and bureauguy are concerned. But that means I have to rethink on most of them as see which will work okay. I also haven't yet started the PC work I had planned to do today since I had to design a card for Nav's.

Atleast I got to buy rapheal a birthday card (don't ask me why, but I did it....maybe when I get the strength to do so I will tell you why...)

I think Its time I got the heck out of here, since am the only one at home and I will have to cook supper today (this just makes me wish lots of stuff..which i won't go into right now)

The art of music

The greatest song that we will ever sing,is that song that we sing to ourselves when we are all alone.

Friday, August 06, 2004

My writings

I don't think I have much time to make any post right now since am supposed to be invigilating and to tell you the truth I don't feel like it, but with the administrator being around and knowing how our relationship is.....I would rather go">.

Actually this will provide an opportunity to finish reading my stories and even do some marking (yes...I haven't finished)

So post you later.

Thursday, August 05, 2004

What about today!

Am up and beating, trying to fulfill my obligations and duty here at the office, look happy, welcoming and try to be at peace with everyone esle (check the irony)

Can't say that all has been smooth and without hitches, but I can confidently say I have learnt from the mistakes and am trying to live a much better life from it all. Since I know God's hand is at work in my life and all this things will turn out for good and for His glory.

Am trying to keep at pace with everyone and I can't honestly say that its easy, especially with the knowledge of how different and unique we are.

Hope that as the day comes to an end I will confidently look back and say I did something and am proud of it.

Peace

Monday, August 02, 2004

MY LIFE SO FAR

It has been a long a tracious journey, which I can't gather enough words to even describe how it has been.

I feel am back to running again, with no knowledge of what am running away from nor running to. There have been times when the torments inside of me were so strong that I felt like crying and wishing that I were someone else, living in a different place, had different parents, different friends and my life was all different from what I have know.

There was a time I felt so low that I did something that I had promised God I won't do, and even after feeling sorry and guilty about it, I still went bact to doing it the next day.

The graduation was......just a graduation, I didn't invite anyone and even the guys I invited I did so out of just a desire to do so and not because I wanted them to enjoy the day with me, since even there was nothing to be enjoyed of the whole experience. I was so sad that day but if you looked at me, you would have thought I was the happiest person in the whole world; but if you looked inside you would have cried with me. I thinkl the person who saved the day was lydia whose family ended up welcoming me and allowing me to spend the day with them. This is not the first time someone who aint family have welcomed me so well into there lives and made me feel so welcomed than anyone I call 'family ' has done (I wonder whether its a lesson God is trying to teach me).

Honestly I feel good and great for not inviting the so called family at the graduation and not even mentioning about it to some of them. I wish you heard what Christine said, when she heard about it....as though I care what she has to say.

The exams are almost over but the practicals are already done (trust me what was hectic but all in all I managed...thanks to God). So that means the phase of starting to clean them has started but am trying to think of an alternative to this.

I have been sensing a lot of distancing from my collegues (I guess this distance is my own creation) which if you ask me has been attributed from the fact that I don't want anything to do with them. Giddy and bureau guy are still around, trying so had to 'decrease' their 'influence' and 'hold' over my life (I wish you just know what they drive me through) like I did the newspaper guy.

Talking of friends, I think this is the time to do a thorough phasing out of this so called 'friends' (this time I promise to do something about it....), a good example i s david who I discovered only wants me as a friend just for the fact I repair his machine (I guess when he sees he sees a computer), in fact of sunday the dude lied to me but I let him get away with it since I knew what I was up to.

As for James if there is a friendship I feel sorry for having made is this one, for it turned out exactly the opposite of what I had hoped and expected it would be and in the process I did so many things which When I think of I truly feel ashamed, embarrassed and taken for a ride (the last time I saw him he was suffering from a cupid attack...duff!).

Mike is all this pretenious and when I think of how I stoop low in order to feel welcomed by him, I feel so sad about my self and wonder what Is it that has made me to become like this and ask my self whether this is all worth it (I wish you couold hear what we talk when we met......so fake....)



Sunday wasn't an exception, went to church sat so close to brian and friends but at the same time sat too far. It really made me wonder whether he is just assuming me or really he doesn't remember me (I can't believe am back to this again), but all in all the preaching was awesome (trust me it was good), went to dc later but most of the guys I wanted to see weren't there. In the process of going home I borrowed a lift from Uncle P. (Which I later wished I hadn't).Spent later of the day Ironing and having a good time with my niece.

And thats a summary of how my times have been, my desires are still the same, my prayer has not changed and am trying to dream my dreams.