Horrible

Yesterday guess was the most tramatizing and depressing day I have had so far. I ended up doing things and saying stuff, which not only backfired on me but made me wish otherwise about myself and whole personality (Guess it was the fact that It was Thursday....).

It all started with my pursuit to get revenge and punish those that have erred me and made me feel bad. But who would know that it would all turn against me in the end and make me to start making ammends and seeking forgiveness instead against the very pple who I wanted to punish (Now I admit what I said earier about me and revenge....Its me who ends up getting hurt instead).

And if my memory serves me right It all started in the morning and with pple here at the office, first with giddy (who I ended up feeling bad for what I said), then bureauguy whose very presence was irritating to me, then miss.bureau, administrator (later in the afternoon), and finally guys in technical (so I thought).

So on my way home, and in my mood to show james and david how in a hurry I was, david calls me and I tell him that am in a hurry and he should not waste my time (okay thats the way it sounded)..Well you can imagine after that I felt really bad (instead of feeling better), but the most amazing thing happened. on my way from the shop, guess who I met....the duo and this gave me an opportunity to apologize.

But in the midst of all of this, I still think there is injustice since the guy wasn't even calling me to ask me how I was doing but to tell me about his computer and to make matters worse he seems to be the one offended more than I am and we know who the liar is.

For james I don't see the need of continuing with this friendship, since our aspirations and wants are totally different and the more I am into this relationship the more I feel cheated and taken for a ride and don't forget the fact.......forget it...

So I ask; is it too hard or bad for me to want so genuine friendship and one that I get to feel wanted and appreciated for whom I am and there is no exploitation whastover. This I asked yesterday in the midst of teary eyes and my face looking to God and really wondering whether there was a lesson He was trying to teach me (am sure he would be the first one to advocate for the termination of this friendship). I have reached a point where by the former life of being just by myself seems more interesting and stress free than the one I have gotten myself into.

I seem to do good to others but all I get from them is a kick in the butt, contempt and scorn in return, and if I even try to retariate, I get hit instead. I ask is this fair......

Considering that am yet to go and face an empty house, a hungry cat and unappreciative pple, I really feel bad and all worked up and wish that I was better off in another place and different background than this and even someone else than the person am right now.

The week is over, and I wonder whether I should even bother looking forward to anything for the weekend considering the way my weekends turn out to be (am sure this is part of being postive and open to yourself..). All in all am asking God to give me a nice weekend and free from all this torments so that I can look back when all is done and really say I got to leave through that weekend.

Talking of the weekend, wanted to go to compassion tomorrow but since most guys aren't around, I will be forced to be here in the morning like always.

So with that, I say goodbye and nice weekend.