BEHIND THESE HAZEL EYES

Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything, it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong
Now I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside
'Cause I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hangin' on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Things I need to say

I wish yesterday was a dream, a dream I woke up from. But its not, my alleged dream is actually the reality and the truth I have to face this morning and who knows for how long.

Funny enough I still find this hard to believe or even imagibe that I did the things that I did yesterday, but the truth is I did them.

I can't believe I took advantage of someone at a time when they are weak and vulnerable and to make matters worse I knew exactly what I was doing and the situation they were in.

This post isn't to try and justify what I did, make myself feel better for what I did or try deny my actions but to truly apologize and prove my remorse for what I did.

During one of my posts, I had talked about learning from my previous mistakes, but I guess just like 'never again', I went ahead and did them mistakes I should have learnt from.

If there is a time when the desire to be forgiven and fell forgiven arises, well for me the time is now.

When someone talked about Grace and how its serves as a light during our dark times, well thats what I need, grace to be forgiven, grace to know I have been forgiven and to know no matter what I do or say, God will not love me less than He used to and still loves me even now and above all grace to be Given a second chance..or is it the 7th chance...


I don't know what to tell God, am even ashamed to go before Him and apologize foe my sins. Am not only afraid of the consequences but am also afraid of making a promise; which later on I might come ti break just like the ones I have broken.

Yesterday's incident confirmed my fears; "I have a problem and I need help". But what am I doing about it that is what remains as the question to be answered.

Never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine doing what i did; well I had thought about it but I never so this coming. I guess its true when they said, "Thoughts become actions...."

MadamP on Sunday talked about times in our lives when we find ourselves going down hill at full speed. When I think about it, my life has been doing exactly that, Going down hill. It started as a joke but now I look back and am sorry to say that the "bottle is almost empty".

She went ahead to say that when we find ourselves at that point, the only way out is to ask God to show us where we are going wrong and ask for His help in getting back on our feet. If there is anything I want more than anything right now is for God to show me where it is that am messing.

I won't lie that am not scared, scared by what I did and what I might do. For just like samson, my eyes have been wide shut and I have been ignorant to the point when this thing has become addictive, expensive and risky and we all know where this will lead in the end...

My deepest prayer is that its not too late, I pray that "my eyes haven't been gordged out", "my head shaved clean" and to make matters worse "the holy spirit hasn't departed from me", that the God who gave Samson a second chance will also give me that 7th Chance.

Loss or Gain

WHEN I compare
What I have lost with what I have gained,
What I have missed with what attained,
Little room do I find for pride.

I am aware
How many days have been idly spent;
How like an arrow the good intent
Has fallen short or been turned aside.

But who shall dare
To measure loss and gain in this wise?
Defeat may be victory in disguise;
The lowest ebb is the turn of the tide.

Self song

I am small and don't want much at all.
I live in a striped quilt
And curl up near the door. Grandpa tripped
On me and broke his jaw. I drop
My doll's head in the cake.
I always wear pink.
I smile in school and dunk
My own curls in the ink.
I share my lunch with the tarantula.
I think that two and two is five
And clap when someone dies.

Some nights the moon opens her smile
Into the full O of surprise.
I want to kiss that mouth,
To follow it like a wave,
To jump out the window
In my best dress, drag the baby by his big toe.
It is time to play house with the wolves.
To make a sound.
To be proud.
It is time to make Mother care.
There is mud on the moon.
There is blood in my blond hair.

Why 'never again' keeps happening

To be honest, things have been on a rotation table, if its not me; its the pple
around me and if its not the pple around me then its me.

This has been the song and am tired. Well am I really? thats the question I need
to address.

I gave up a long time on on the phrase 'never again' after having gone through
alot of emotional torture from the so called 'the club' and I vowed I will
'never again' let someone/ something treat me that way again.

Well right now I find myself back in the same place facing the same things asking myself the same questions. And I wonder wasn't this my "Never again".


So I have adopted a new phrase to my reduntant phrases "we must learn from our mistakes"
But if you ask me this is a pricasa to the old and rejeceted one "Never again".

My life and moments have been charactized by the same and familiar stories, its like if I have been acting out the same old script over and over again, and instead of learning from my old mistakes I have found myself back in the same pot I was in a few days ago even after using that famous phrase
"never again".


Last week in the midst of my running up and down I discovered myself asking the same old question
"why am I running?" and the answers that came forth were the same old ones I got when I asked myself so not long ago. And the more I thougt about them the more I found myself saying "Never...."
Yes that same old phrase "Never again".

The scenes have been the usual ones, Characters different but same roles, same urges and familiar battlefields and thats why I said "same script different kind".

Lately I have been telling myself of the need to let go of certain pple and avoid certain situations, but at back of my mind I fear am just 'telling' myself for sooner or later I will find myself back there again, telling myself "never again" or should I say "I should learn from my mistakes"!

AS MY YOUTH FADES

It's been a while; I say,

Since a poem I wrote.

I know where my head is,

But I dunno where I stand.


Drifting away; I might

And ignorance flows.

It seems, as My youth fades,

There's a lot I'm not knowin'.


As friends away drift,

And go to different schools.

Or I leave the country,

I don't play them for fools.


I just follow life's course,

And take whatever has been offered.

Maybe I'll work on computers,

Maybe I'll be an Author.


And though seem it may,

That my heads not screwed on right.

I can assure you,

Yeah, it's put on tight.