The Tribulation

I see you standing over there,
Your fingers running through your hair.

Quite a site for me to see;
Should I just wait expectantly?

I feel like insignificant dust
The kind of person you'd never lust.

You look at me with knowing eyes.
Will there be a big surprise?

Will you say what I wish you would?
"The night is young, you're looking good!"

Maybe, someday, in another world
You'll like me with my hair so curled.

Just wishful thoughts of course, I know,
But when you smile, I always glow.

You're coming near. What do you want?
Will you give me your half croissant?

"How are you doing?" you politely ask
I wince at the upcoming task.

I need to really keep my head.
And pay attention to what you've said

About the other people you like
the ones that treat me as a tyke.

"I'm feeling fine. Are you?" I smile.
This is what makes it all worthwhile.

The start of a beautiful relationship-
I hope we've only reached the tip.

BREAK AWAY

Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I just stared out my window
Dreaming of a could-be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray

Trying not to reach out
But when I'd try to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I pray
I could breakaway

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky
I'll make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I loved
I'll take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway

Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get onboard a fast train
Travel on a jet plane, far away (I will)
And breakaway

Building with a hundred floors
swinging 'round revolving doors."
Maybe I don't know where they'll take me but
Gotta keep moving on, moving on
Fly away, breakaway

I'll spread my wings
And I'll learn how to fly
Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye
I gotta take a risk
Take chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway

A pictorial

The following is an pictorial account of someone called mathu! Hope you enjoy

This is mathu at the beach (Before He underwent mutation in my lab)



And this is mathu in my lab after the successful mutation

Days under the rain

Am still enjoying my holiday from work, but it saddens me to know that on tuesday am here to face the things I have been happy to be away from.

Had an interesting day today, and expect for the morning sickness and nausea I had in the morning all turned out great.

The Dance

I have sent you my invitation,
the note inscribed on the palm of my hand by the fire of living.
Don’t jump up and shout, “Yes, this is what I want! Let’s do it!”
Just stand up quietly and dance with me.

Show me how you follow your deepest desires,
spiraling down into the ache within the ache,
and I will show you how I reach inward and open outward
to feel the kiss of the Mystery, sweet lips on my own, every day.

Don’t tell me you want to hold the whole world in your heart.
Show me how you turn away from making another wrong without abandoning yourself when you are hurt and afraid of being unloved.

Tell me a story of who you are,
and see who I am in the stories I live.
And together we will remember that each of us always has a choice.

Don’t tell me how wonderful things will be . . . some day.
Show me you can risk being completely at peace,
truly okay with the way things are right now in this moment,
and again in the next and the next and the next. . .

I have heard enough warrior stories of heroic daring.
Tell me how you crumble when you hit the wall,
the place you cannot go beyond by the strength of your own will.
What carries you to the other side of that wall, to the fragile beauty of your own humanness?

And after we have shown each other how we have set and kept the clear, healthy boundaries that help us live side by side with each other, let us risk remembering that we never stop silently loving
those we once loved out loud.

Take me to the places on the earth that teach you how to dance,
the places where you can risk letting the world break your heart.
And I will take you to the places where the earth beneath my feet and the stars overhead make my heart whole again and again.

Show me how you take care of business
without letting business determine who you are.
When the children are fed but still the voices within and around us shout that soul’s desires have too high a price,
let us remind each other that it is never about the money.

Show me how you offer to your people and the world
the stories and the songs
you want our children’s children to remember.
And I will show you how I struggle not to change the world,
but to love it.

Sit beside me in long moments of shared solitude,
knowing both our absolute aloneness and our undeniable belonging.
Dance with me in the silence and in the sound of small daily words,
holding neither against me at the end of the day.

And when the sound of all the declarations of our sincerest
intentions has died away on the wind,
dance with me in the infinite pause before the next great inhale
of the breath that is breathing us all into being,
not filling the emptiness from the outside or from within.

Don’t say, “Yes!”
Just take my hand and dance with me.

My 7th Heaven

There are times in your life when things seem so perfect that you have to pinch yourself twice just to make sure you aren't dreaming and if you do pinch yourself and realize its not a dream you kneel and pray that moment will never end!

Well thats how my weekend was and that was exactly what a did!

If you ask me not in my wildest dreams would I have gone to the places I went to yesterday, met the pple I met, did the things I did and emerged victorious at the end. For such moments either end mu making me feeling lousy or hateful towards someone but this moment was different.

If you ask me it was like a treat from God and regardless of what I had been doing that week, the moods I had on sunday morning, He just decided to make me happy and feel good about myself.

I met some guys from the US on sunday, at first I was like "they are just like the others", but later after spending time with them (Don't judge a book by it covers....)I realized they were really nice, they made me feel welcomed and part of there group (while it should have been the other way round).

I ended up learning so much from them and being part of them that when it came for time to leave I couldn't get myself to leave them (I literary had to drag myself out of the bus) for once I was myself and I didn't have to fake anything (okay the part for twenging had to be played....by someone of cause...)

Later in the evening we went to a very nice restaurant (We first went to state Hse Girls for a mission), where I filled myself to capacity, had a nice conversation, exchanged email address (Pple don't exchange phone numbers any more....) and just had a grand time.

I can tell you all the type of foods I ate but I won't go there since time won't allow me. But all in all am so thankful to God for that.

Am supposed to meet with them today but am wondering whether thats the right thing to do.

Reflection

Some of us are like ink and some like paper.
And if it were not for the blackness of some of us,
some of us would be dumb;
And if it were not for the whiteness of some of us,
some of us would be blind.

What lies ahead....

Of late I discovered am the main cause of some of the worst things that happen to me.

Most of the places I am and am not supposed to be in right now, am the person that took myself there.

The things am doing now and am not supposed to be doing, am the one who started doing.

And the more I look at this the more I see I need to take control of myself before myself takes control of me. Worse still I know I will end up rebuking myself over this matter no sooner to go back to the very same same thing that has made me write this.

But this still goes to demonstrate of the fact that I rely more on my strength and ability to do good that look at to the Author of my faith who is able to deliver me from all this things.

All in all my weekend was somehow interesting and coupled with few instances of pleasure and regret but I managed to rise above the occasion. Greeted EyeCandy and assumed nothing was going on.

Well something happened last night that really made me hate myself so much. And to make matters even more disgusting it had to do with sud. This made me wonder whether I have been giving myself false hope....

At the battle field

Today felt like the longest day I have had in quite a long time. The events that were to transpire took me to a different king of realm which I have been fearful of facing for quite a while.

But am more than glad to say I went, saw and conquered, but mark you the victory was not of my own making.

Somehow I came late to work today (Yes I over slept again) little did I know that the md was in a lousy mood.

So when I got to the gate theinformer told me that he was given strict instructions not to let me in and I should wait for the md outside (the md had taken his kid to the hospital)

Well all I can say, I actually knew my end had come and there was nothing else I could do. My wait outside felt like waiting for rain in the sahara and the fear I felt was just undescribable.

I got thinking about how the others didn't even mind or seem to care and they went on with there lives as if nothing was happening and I knew there and then that I was indeed all alone from the beginning and the loneliness I felt was for sure there.

To cut the long story short, the md did come back, and I went back to work (don't ask me what I told him) but I can say am not the same person...something happened to me.

This still shows I need to get a plan B and it should be first.

The road beyond...

Gosh so where do I begin!

Its feels like ages, even trying to express myself right now feels abit hard, but I will try my best and be open and detailed as I can.

So how am I doing!
Well thats quite a question considering I have been encountering so many things along the way that I have started to wonder whether am In the right path in the first place. Lately I have gone back to my former ways, mbt has become more of a norm than a habit and prn has been the norm of the day. Funny enough if a day goes by without mbt, I count that as a major victory but the dread of what I will do tomorrow still lingers at the back of my mind.

My emotions have been on a rollercoaster, and no matter how I want this to change I feel as if am being dragged back into it even without my own consent. This in turn has taken the toll over me and today is a witness to just that.

So have my days improved?
Gosh I wish I can honestly say they have and am a better person than I was then and I have somehow managed to climb the ladder, but deep inside my heart I know I will be lying terribly; My own conscience condemns me and I even can't afford to look at myself in the mirror for more than a minute without either scolding myself or jeering.

I can count the days I have been proud to be myself and who I am than the days I wished the earth would open up and just swallow me up or I wasn't born this way or I wasn't even destined to be where I am right now.

Many days are the ones am walking and I see pple are having the times of there lives and the ones I know even if they are going through turbulence mine seems to be the worst. And this has just added more nostagia and melancholic in my heart.

So how's work?
WORK!
Of late that word has filled me with more dread than excitement.
Things here have not been going as I anticipated and this has made me wonder whether I have overstayed my blessing or has my time run out and I should be somewhere else instead.

To add to the confusion, I feel I need to go but the question That keeps popping up is where do I go and If I should where do I start. And I think this is what has lead me to take a back sit as far as 'spreading my wings' is concerned; fear of where I will step!

Most pple I know have moved on, bureauguy and smartKid for example and the thing that seems to destroy me the most is how well they are doing and how happy they seem to be (you can know by the twinkle in there eyes. More have come into my life and the same story continues and the same scenes replayed again but this time with different characters.

My relationship with MD has been on the strain since the beginning of this year and I don't see it getting better (God forbid) and to tell you the truth I attribute this dread of and to 'work' mostly to the way they have been treating me and the way they have been commanding me around. And I guess the thought of not knowing what they shall do next is what fills me up with fear and the desire to get out of here. And a good example is today and what they want me to do just because they came from the US.

My relationship with some of my collegues has improved but am still keeping my fingers crossed since I don't know when they too will turn against me as for those who choose not to change villageguy being one of them, I guess I had no other choice but to manourve (sp.) around them. As for the new ones, they have brought about competition and the new ones on top have brought about new conquests (but this has proven abit hard...) And this has been one reason as to why I want to start all over again.

Me and Daddy!
This is what makes me feel like crying at times for the thought really makes me feel how far I have gone/ strayed.

Things haven't been good, I have really distanced myself from Him under the pretext that everytime I try going back to Him or near Him, thats the time I mess the most in my life. The 'calls' have been less, the Quite Times have taken a back sit and 'Lifting of the hands' has been out of convenience than obligation.

And I will be lying if I said this hasn't affected the way I feel, think or perform. And from the bottom of my heart there's nothing I long for than the days and times I spent in His presence and just waiting upon Him.

The others
Do I even feel like going there!
Sud is back, after they went without telling me and as usual I went with arm wide open to welcome them and got Hit on the face. The artist and musician are still there but I have managed to reduce my contact with them for a while. As for eyecandy (they can take a hike) and singer well what can I say; lets see where this takes us. Funny there is a new addition to this group and we shall refer to them as angeleyes........nothing much to say about them, guess lust has taken the toll here, I wish you can see how I behave around them.

At home
Things are the way they were but atleast she is out of the house and I can treasurer my privacy for a while. Sister is coping well but I feel there is alot of battles going on in her heart. As for youknowhow all I can say is God give her health and strength and the chance to know you.

My struggles!
They have been intense and I think this has been the main cause of prn and mbt. I longer no what to do, how to feel or even how to handle myself. Its like if I have given up on myself or the chance of me ever been redeemed from all this.

Well thats my summary and I guess I better be going home.