The road beyond...

Gosh so where do I begin!

Its feels like ages, even trying to express myself right now feels abit hard, but I will try my best and be open and detailed as I can.

So how am I doing!
Well thats quite a question considering I have been encountering so many things along the way that I have started to wonder whether am In the right path in the first place. Lately I have gone back to my former ways, mbt has become more of a norm than a habit and prn has been the norm of the day. Funny enough if a day goes by without mbt, I count that as a major victory but the dread of what I will do tomorrow still lingers at the back of my mind.

My emotions have been on a rollercoaster, and no matter how I want this to change I feel as if am being dragged back into it even without my own consent. This in turn has taken the toll over me and today is a witness to just that.

So have my days improved?
Gosh I wish I can honestly say they have and am a better person than I was then and I have somehow managed to climb the ladder, but deep inside my heart I know I will be lying terribly; My own conscience condemns me and I even can't afford to look at myself in the mirror for more than a minute without either scolding myself or jeering.

I can count the days I have been proud to be myself and who I am than the days I wished the earth would open up and just swallow me up or I wasn't born this way or I wasn't even destined to be where I am right now.

Many days are the ones am walking and I see pple are having the times of there lives and the ones I know even if they are going through turbulence mine seems to be the worst. And this has just added more nostagia and melancholic in my heart.

So how's work?
WORK!
Of late that word has filled me with more dread than excitement.
Things here have not been going as I anticipated and this has made me wonder whether I have overstayed my blessing or has my time run out and I should be somewhere else instead.

To add to the confusion, I feel I need to go but the question That keeps popping up is where do I go and If I should where do I start. And I think this is what has lead me to take a back sit as far as 'spreading my wings' is concerned; fear of where I will step!

Most pple I know have moved on, bureauguy and smartKid for example and the thing that seems to destroy me the most is how well they are doing and how happy they seem to be (you can know by the twinkle in there eyes. More have come into my life and the same story continues and the same scenes replayed again but this time with different characters.

My relationship with MD has been on the strain since the beginning of this year and I don't see it getting better (God forbid) and to tell you the truth I attribute this dread of and to 'work' mostly to the way they have been treating me and the way they have been commanding me around. And I guess the thought of not knowing what they shall do next is what fills me up with fear and the desire to get out of here. And a good example is today and what they want me to do just because they came from the US.

My relationship with some of my collegues has improved but am still keeping my fingers crossed since I don't know when they too will turn against me as for those who choose not to change villageguy being one of them, I guess I had no other choice but to manourve (sp.) around them. As for the new ones, they have brought about competition and the new ones on top have brought about new conquests (but this has proven abit hard...) And this has been one reason as to why I want to start all over again.

Me and Daddy!
This is what makes me feel like crying at times for the thought really makes me feel how far I have gone/ strayed.

Things haven't been good, I have really distanced myself from Him under the pretext that everytime I try going back to Him or near Him, thats the time I mess the most in my life. The 'calls' have been less, the Quite Times have taken a back sit and 'Lifting of the hands' has been out of convenience than obligation.

And I will be lying if I said this hasn't affected the way I feel, think or perform. And from the bottom of my heart there's nothing I long for than the days and times I spent in His presence and just waiting upon Him.

The others
Do I even feel like going there!
Sud is back, after they went without telling me and as usual I went with arm wide open to welcome them and got Hit on the face. The artist and musician are still there but I have managed to reduce my contact with them for a while. As for eyecandy (they can take a hike) and singer well what can I say; lets see where this takes us. Funny there is a new addition to this group and we shall refer to them as angeleyes........nothing much to say about them, guess lust has taken the toll here, I wish you can see how I behave around them.

At home
Things are the way they were but atleast she is out of the house and I can treasurer my privacy for a while. Sister is coping well but I feel there is alot of battles going on in her heart. As for youknowhow all I can say is God give her health and strength and the chance to know you.

My struggles!
They have been intense and I think this has been the main cause of prn and mbt. I longer no what to do, how to feel or even how to handle myself. Its like if I have given up on myself or the chance of me ever been redeemed from all this.

Well thats my summary and I guess I better be going home.