MY......

My feet are cold
My lips are warm
My mind is restless
My heart is contented

My faith is indomitable
My promise is true
My intentions are pure
My love is noble

My views are multiperspective
My heart is unidirectional

My beliefs are diverse
My ideas are well versed

My compassion is universal
My goodness is unconditional

I may be complicated
But in love I'm simplified
.......

Because of resentment
My mind is red
Because of sadness
My heart is blue
Because of solitariness
My sight is black

and then...

Because of you
My mind turned purple
My heart turned red

and then...

Hearing your voice
My cheeks turn pink
Knowing you're there
The light becomes silver
My future becomes gold

IF - by Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting;
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating;
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;


If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;


If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";


If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings- nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

STRANGER TO MYSELF.

Yesterday it hit me that I have been spending lots of time, money and energy trying to understand myself and know the real me. At the same time trying to make others understand me and appreciate me for whom I am.

Alot of this energy and time has also been spent trying to fit in with my self and others, and in the same way try to understand them as well and appreciate them. But then I came to a saddening realization that its me who has been doing lots if this appreciating and accepting thing and in almost all cases it has never been reciprocated in anyway. Especially when I need it the most.

As the years have rolled by, I have realized that I have been trying so hard to be appreciate by the so called companions that I lost track and sight of the man inside, his needs and wants and failed to listen to him at the same time. And now all that remains is a stranger and someone who I even don't seem to know or have the guts to communicate with.

This has made it hard for me to try and understand the things I did, the way I perceived things, and the way I felt. And this just explains why I have found it hard to express my true feelings towards somethings and pple and define who I really was.

I can't deny and say that after this realization, I went ahead and changed, No, I can assure you that the whole of today I spent doing exactly that I have mentioned above and trying to do the very think am speaking against right now.

And that is just a drop in the ocean

LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"
POLE: "JA, JA, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms."

LAWYER: "No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
POLE: "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar."

LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
POLE: "No. We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

LAWYER "I mean, What are your relations like?"
POLE: "All my relations are in Poland."

L AWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
POLE: "Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1sound. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

LAWYER: "No, I mean, Does your wife beat you up?"
POLE: "NO, I'm always up before her."

LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?"
POLE: "NO, she white."

LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?"
POLE: "SHE going to kill me."

LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"
POLE: "I got proof."

LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"
POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read - it says, Polish Remover.'"

ain't it just like life? we're all sort of speaking the same language and still, the mix-up, the paranoia, the confusion. like we forget to take the lens cap off - everything is blacked out, so there we go ... alone in the dark (or worse, with a lawyer) prattling on about nothing. we believe our worst fears - that everything around us is ridiculous and strange, and worse, that we are ridiculous and strange (of course, we are) - and this ridiculousness and strangeness is evident to those around us (of course, it is).

Someone out there

You had gotten what you lust
I had given what you needed
I am the loser not giver

My heart had deceived my senses
My mind had ceased to function
At that moment
From the beginning
I was the disabled
You were the capable

The moment of pleasure
The instant of satisfaction
I had received
You had given
I have lost

The moment of intimacy
An instant of contentment
I had given
You had received
You have won

I thought that it was mutual
The emotions I harbor
I thought that it was communal
The passion of my desire
I thought it was romance
In fact just rendezvousing with the devil
It is just illusion
I am delusional

It felt so real
But fake was mocking
It felt so strong
But there was no foundation
It felt so cold
When the thought arises
It felt so detached
It was never reciprocated
I slept next to you
I will hide it in memory
I touched your bare skin
I shall pretend I never felt it
I heard your heartbeat
I will remember it like anybody’s
I have never lust
Now I have to believe I did

You had gotten what you coveted
I had given what you hankered
I am the mislaid
It is a given

My heart had granted me away
My mind had lost its logic
At that instant
Since its dawn
I was inoperative
You were functional

The reimbursement of passion
The refilling of pleasure
I had provided
You had attained
I am the omitted

The moment of association
An instant of bliss
I had attained
You had provided
You are the triumphant

I thought that it was mutual
The emotions I embraced
I thought that it was communal
The passion of my ambition
I thought it was romance
In fact just flirting with Lucifer
It is just misapprehension
I am deluded

It felt so real
When the truth now lingers
It felt so strong
When I feel the reparations
It felt so cold
When I pictured your face
It felt so distant
It was never apprehended

I slept in your arms
I will conceal it in memory
I hugged your cold body
I shall pretend I did not sleep
I heard your snores
I will remember it like anybody’s
I had tasted your lips
Yet it seems like I had kissed his

Had a really bad night yesterday.

All this because of the youknowwho's ignorance and lack of self respect not only for herself but for the family.

Of late I have discovered thesaid person, no longer has any regard for themselves, or the fact that they represent a certain role in society and they are too old to be doing what they are doing.

All this made me yell at them last night, and talked words I never thought I could say. But am glad I said them but am still hurt from what I show last night and the fron put up by youknowwho.

The worse thing is that, they could do what they did last night even after years of warning them, talking to them and trying to convince them that what they were doing was wrong, unethical, stupid and even unbibilical. You will be shocked that even after the fight we had, they still went ahead and did what I had warned them about.

Am really tired, and I have reached a point where I feel like moving out and just getting away from all this. I can't imagine that the pple I at times look up to for encouragement and support are the very ones that are contributing to my hurt, and further depression that am trying so hard to fight.

Last night wasn't the first incident they did what they did, and on more so they came late, drunk and not caring how they had left the house. I feel so down, and this makes me feel even worse when the thought of going home runs in my head, since I know who and what to find when I get there.

This and the kind of response and attitude I get from pple at the office not forgetting the so called friends, makes me bleed inside and ask God why I have to walk this path and face all these things.

Right now, I don't know what to tell youknowwho, when I see them since they didn't sleep at home, I don't seem to have the words or strength to encourage myself anymore, I don't seem to have solutions to these issues and I don't seem to have anyone to share this with.

To an English Friend in Africa

Be grateful for freedom
To see other dreams.
Bless your loneliness as much as you drank
Of your former companionships.
All that you are experiencing now
Will become moods of future joys
So bless it all.
Do not think your ways superior
To another's
Do not venture to judge
But see things with fresh and open eyes
Do not condemn
But praise what you can
And when you can't be silent.

Time is now a gift for you
A gift of freedom
To think and remember and understand
The ever perplexing past
And to re-create yourself anew
In order to transform time.

Live while you are alive.
Learn the ways of silence and wisdom
Learn to act, learn a new speech
Learn to be what you are in the seed of your spirit
Learn to free yourself from all things that have moulded you
And which limit your secret and undiscovered road.

Remember that all things which happen
To you are raw materials
Endlessly fertile

Endlessly yielding of thoughts that could change
Your life and go on doing for ever.

Never forget to pray and be thankful
For all the things good or bad on the rich road;
For everything is changeable
So long as you live while you are alive.

Fear not, but be full of light and love;
Fear not but be alert and receptive;
Fear not but act decisively when you should;
Fear not, but know when to stop;
Fear not for you are loved by me;
Fear not, for death is not the real terror,
But life -magically - is.

Be joyful in your silence
Be strong in your patience
Do not try to wrestle with the universe
But be sometimes like water or air
Sometimes like fire

Live slowly, think slowly, for time is a mystery.
Never forget that love
Requires that you be
The greatest person you are capable of being,
Self-generating and strong and gentle-
Your own hero and star.

Love demands the best in us
To always and in time overcome the worst
And lowest in our souls.
Love the world wisely.

It is love alone that is the greatest weapon
And the deepest and hardest secret.

So fear not, my friend.
The darkness is gentler than you think.
Be grateful for the manifold
Dreams of creation
And the many ways of unnumbered peoples.

Be grateful for life as you live it.
And may a wonderful light
Always guide you on the unfolding road.

March 1991
Ben Okri

Crystal Clear
by Jaci Velasquez

When I'm a sparrow in winter
You are the seed I find
When I'm a heart with a splinter
Your whole blood, keeps me alive
If I could call you a color
You'd be the deepest of blues
If I had my pleasure of anything
You'd be the one that I'd choose


Now it's crystal clear I'm falling for You
Now that I can see the mysteries revealed
Now I'm coming clean
I can feel my fears release
Now it's crystal clear I'm falling for You

I'm soft like clay
Your hands they mold me
For You, I would run away
Just to hear You calling out my name

I'm broken and empty
Without You, I'm blinded
I need You,
I need You near me, I need You near me

Took this test and this is what they have to say about me:

Your Type is
ISFJ
Introverted Sensing Feeling Judging
Strength of the preferences %
33 33 11 44

ISFJ type description by D.Keirsey
ISFJ type description by J. Butt and M.M. Heiss


Qualitative analysis of your type formula

You are:

* moderately expressed introvert
* moderately expressed sensing personality
* slightly expressed feeling personality
* moderately expressed judging personality

Honestly are these things real?

My views so far

Over the years I have come to develop faces, office face, home face, and even church face. All this because of the simple fact that I don't want pple to really know who I am inside and the person I can become. And this has made me more lonely, angry and fearful within to the extent I no longer know who I am from all this pretence and acting.

I sometimes ask myself whether the so called friends will still like to be around me (the word love has never being applicable to any of them), talk to me, associate with if they knew the kind of person I was inside, the person I wish I was, the things I think of, the things I wish I had or fantasize about and the dreams I dream.

For at times I even, scare myself just by searching with me and seeing what lies deep down in me. And from those short moments I have been around them and the fact thoughts they share with me I really doubt whether they can stand with me.

My greatest consolation comes from the fact that God choose to use me just the way I am and regardless of what I am, where I have been and the things I have done, He will still go ahead and accomplish His will and desire for my life.

But am saddened that most times I don't respond to Him as He was me too and I end up looking at other things instead of Him and running after the very things He has rescued me from. And this really makes me feel ashamed of my self and the promises I have made Him.

And with those words I end my...thology for today.

Am trying to write a quick one and go home.

What A Good Boy

When I was born, they looked at me and said;
what a good boy, what a smart boy, what a strong boy.
And when you were born, they looked at you and said;
what a good girl, what a smart girl, what a pretty girl.

We've got these chains that hang around our necks,
people want to strangle us with them before we take our first breath.
Afraid of change, afraid of staying the same,
when temptation calls, we just look away.

This name is the hairshirt I wear,
and this hairshirt is woven from your brown hair.
This song is the cross that I bear,
bear it with me, bear with me, bear with me,
be with me tonight,
I know that it isn't right, but be with me tonight.

I go to school, I write exams,
if I pass, if I fail, if I drop out,
does anyone give a damn?
And if they do, they'll soon forget 'cause it won't take much for me
to show my life ain't over yet.
I wake up scared, I wake up strange.
I wake up wondering if anything in my life is ever going to change.
I wake up scared, I wake up strange
and everything around me stays the same.

I couldn't tell you that I was wrong,
chickened out, grabbed a pen and paper, sat down and I wrote this song.
I couldn't tell you that you were right,
so instead I looked in the mirror,
watched TV, laid awake all night.

We've got these chains, hang 'round our necks,
people want to strangle us with them before we take our first breath.
Afraid of change, afraid of staying the same when temptation calls ...

When I was born, they looked at me and said;
What a good boy, what a smart boy, what a strong boy.
And when you were born, they looked at you and said;
what a good girl, what a smart girl, what a pretty girl.