Things I need to say

I wish yesterday was a dream, a dream I woke up from. But its not, my alleged dream is actually the reality and the truth I have to face this morning and who knows for how long.

Funny enough I still find this hard to believe or even imagibe that I did the things that I did yesterday, but the truth is I did them.

I can't believe I took advantage of someone at a time when they are weak and vulnerable and to make matters worse I knew exactly what I was doing and the situation they were in.

This post isn't to try and justify what I did, make myself feel better for what I did or try deny my actions but to truly apologize and prove my remorse for what I did.

During one of my posts, I had talked about learning from my previous mistakes, but I guess just like 'never again', I went ahead and did them mistakes I should have learnt from.

If there is a time when the desire to be forgiven and fell forgiven arises, well for me the time is now.

When someone talked about Grace and how its serves as a light during our dark times, well thats what I need, grace to be forgiven, grace to know I have been forgiven and to know no matter what I do or say, God will not love me less than He used to and still loves me even now and above all grace to be Given a second chance..or is it the 7th chance...


I don't know what to tell God, am even ashamed to go before Him and apologize foe my sins. Am not only afraid of the consequences but am also afraid of making a promise; which later on I might come ti break just like the ones I have broken.

Yesterday's incident confirmed my fears; "I have a problem and I need help". But what am I doing about it that is what remains as the question to be answered.

Never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine doing what i did; well I had thought about it but I never so this coming. I guess its true when they said, "Thoughts become actions...."

MadamP on Sunday talked about times in our lives when we find ourselves going down hill at full speed. When I think about it, my life has been doing exactly that, Going down hill. It started as a joke but now I look back and am sorry to say that the "bottle is almost empty".

She went ahead to say that when we find ourselves at that point, the only way out is to ask God to show us where we are going wrong and ask for His help in getting back on our feet. If there is anything I want more than anything right now is for God to show me where it is that am messing.

I won't lie that am not scared, scared by what I did and what I might do. For just like samson, my eyes have been wide shut and I have been ignorant to the point when this thing has become addictive, expensive and risky and we all know where this will lead in the end...

My deepest prayer is that its not too late, I pray that "my eyes haven't been gordged out", "my head shaved clean" and to make matters worse "the holy spirit hasn't departed from me", that the God who gave Samson a second chance will also give me that 7th Chance.