STAND TO BE COUNTED

I think destiny has choose me to be put in line, counted and taken to war; and what makes this more interesting is that the battle isn't with someone or with something else but with myself and the person inside me.

And if you ask me, this is what really bogs (sp.) me down and takes all my energy, strength and will from me. For the more I seem to fight this, the more I feel it feels like I don't know how to fight this war, or I don't have what it takes to be in this battle in the first place. To make matters worse the other me seems to become more powerful and dominating than before, which makes me question the role of this "baptism by fire" thing.

As I look outside, the 'battle field' I see the pple I know enjoying there lives so much and so well, which makes me ask why I had to go through this. As I walk with the so called friends, listen to their conversations, see the way they live, peep at their inner man I see they too struggle with there inner selves but they were never made to stand in line and be counted!

There are days I wish its all a dream, from which I will wake up and just blot out of my memory forever. Or it were a trap or a hole I was in from, which I can break free/ jump out and be free once more. But then I pinch myself and realize that its the reality and I realize that the dream is me.

I guess there is a greater lesson for me to learn from all this, in order to prepare me for a greater responsibility that lies up ahead in this journey called life.

And I as I write this, one question comes to mind; Am I fighting my own battle, and did I start this war that I seem to be fighting and is there really I war in the first place?

Goodnight!

TIMES IN THE BATTLE FIELD

I guess last night was among some of the lowest, sorrowful and distress moments in this young life of mine.

Not not did I see myself doing the very thing I distaste but I allowed myself to do it and let the flesh control me even after vowing to myself and the very pple who read this blog (if there are any) that I won't do it again.

All this coupled with feelings of inadequacy, failure, loneliness, anger (for myself and those around me) and failure just made me wish I was never bone and this actually lead to me crying (I did this in the toilet least anyone should hear me), something I haven't allowed myself to do in a very long time.

I had to drag myself out of the office and get a bus home, which at that time felt like doing the meanest and most difficult thing a person can be told to do. When I got home I didn't even have the courage to talk to youknowwho or even look at them on the face since I felt as if they could see the guilt, shame and sin written all over my face. Its funny I how I got to go pass through the night.

I don't think I have the confidence, courage or conviction in me to say that I won't do it again, since nowadays it seems as if the more I say I won't do something the more I end up doing it.

I feel so entangled and weak and wonder how in the world am I going to break away from all this and be free at last; free from the mistakes and guilt that this things have brought into my life.

Nowadays each day feels like a struggle and battle, in which you spend all your time and energy fighting. I think after the end of the day pple should be asking you how your day in the battle field was, and how many casualties did you face.

There are days when I wake up and fear what I will end up doing to myself or those near me, instead of worrying what the day has in store for me and how well am prepared to face the day. Am like a time bomb ready to explode but I don't have a clue as to when this will happen.

Those around me seem to be enjoying themselves and having fun with there lives but here am stuck in a time frame that seems to be going around in circles and just when I think the torments are over the timeframe starts all over again and the battle continues from where they left before.

I don't have answers, I don't know anyone with answers and those who might have the answers don't seem to want to reveal the answers, and those who want to reveaL the answers don't seem to have the time and those who have the time and the answers are faking.

Countless Stuff

My life seems and feels to be having so many,countless stuff, which even me, I can seem to grasp, understand, comprehend or manage.

This has made me to live under the dictates of 'things_to_do lists',daili planners, diaries and reminders, since if I dedided to depend on my memory I usually end up forgetting every that I was supposed to do or I had planned to do that day.

And this over time has resulted in an emotional, person at the end of each day, as per my performance according to the things I had planned to do. I can honestly say most of the time I go back home either annoyed I haven't finished what I had wanted to do, or sorry for myself.

Things have been like a rollacoaster (sp.) since the last time I updated this blog and I really don't have the strength to go into details on al that has been happening or has happened. On top of that things seem to be moving so fast that I don't even know what is happening anymore

Am looking forward to the weekend, but don't ask me why, since I don't know what am looking forward too considering there is nothing happening or will happen that I deem to be exciting.

So with that let me sign out.

THE AFTERMATH

Am still having difficulties as how I will start today's post and what do I want to say.

Well! the weekend is over but since today is a pulic holiday, there's no one here in the office except me, the computer, music playing in the background and the guards who are at the reception. So that means I have the freedom to make noise and put music this loud (can you hear it.....).

So why am I in the office and it's a public holiday? Well that's a godd question!
First of all I didn't have anywhere else to go and the thought of staying at home was just out of the question. Considering there is nothing there to entertain me, coming here was the only option I had.

Don't you have friends or family you could have gone to visit?
I don't think I would have been welcomed even if I went. And the friends or the so called family I wwould supposedly would have wanted to go and visit am sure they have plans of there own and my going there would have been an extra burden (am talking this out of experience and events that took place). And if they wanted me to be there theu would have invited me to come.

So what are you doing at work?
Well I had some stuff I had to check for themusician from the internet concerning his term paper (don't ask me why am doing this...since I have also asked myself the same same question and upto now I still haven't gotten an answer. Also I had stuff I wanted to print, check mail, listen to music and watch am movie.

How was the weekend?
Went for the rehearsals on saturday but no one showed up (if only you so I left here like a mad man thinking I was late...), but in the process I found themusician with his crew practicing and pastor was there.I later went to see sudi's dad where I spent the better part of the afternoon after which I went home. I also got to met with theartist and thesinger, who I didn't interact with that much.

Come sunday went to church, pastor was talking about fellowship (two fellows in a ship on a journey), which by the way was very touching and interesting (I even went for the altar call...yes christine was there).

Like always after this I went for Blink where I stood and gave a story but felt so bad after that since I didn't feel I had been appreciated the way I wanted (talk of fighting the flesh), we also had some visitors from outside who performed and the crowd was like all wild and happy for them. Am sorry to say this but I don't know why am finding it had to fit in and feel at ease both with the pple there and with myself, its like if I have to prove myself in order to be welcomed....di I tell you that there are cliche and groups...oh yes..I found that yesterday.

You won't believe, who stopped me after the service to ask me if I wanted to join a singing group.....Christine! I couldn't believe my ears....and according to her "I have a nice voice"(who is she trying to flatter...)

What else happened?
I later went to see thesinger found theother there, had a nice chat and saw thesinger doing something which I don't think its right mentioning....(I was a high time it happened..)but alll in all I enjoyed seeing theother and knowing he is still hiding something, which up to know I don't know what it is.

Later I went to see my niece and nephews, under the pretext that I was taking a cd for them (see what I have to got through even with family) since I had really missed them (I week can be really long you know!)but felt much better after seeing them.

Came home and went to see mick, who I found watching 'anaconda, finding the red.....' and started to watch as well, since I knew today was going to be a holiday, which gave me the guarantee to stay up late.

And that's how I spent my weekend.

Do you have anything to add?
I don't think so, but I have to say that I have noticed an eye candy somewhere...but watch this space for more details.

So with that let me sign out

:):):):) Funny and Interesting Observations (:(:(:(:

A WEEK'S ENDING

Today has really been one of those days you wish you didn't come to work (I doubt whether this has been an option on my side!) and had decided to run away and be somewhere as far as possible from this place. I have been working since the first thing I came into the office, machines were breaking down like crazy and to make matters worse miss.knowitall was setting up a practical for 29 students, so you can imagine how hectic that must have been for me, since all machines had to be working and all of them had to be on the network and the floppy drives working too.

I can tell you right now even waking up from this chair leave alone typing this post, is a problem and a task, which seems to take forvever to finish. All this I can gladly point to the running up and down I have been doing since morning, carrying machines and monitors (do they have to make monitors this heavy?) trying to talk to ten students at the same time and they are talking to there friends too (you can picture the noise) and trying to convince the GM to give me a machine since they decided to take mine (I was told to wait and I know this will be for sometime, so I better get used to this place).

I don't know whether I can say that am glad that this week is almost over, since the thoughts of what the weekend has to offer and the things I expect to meet along the way not forgetting the people and the fact that I have to come here tomorrow just makes me think otherwise. But with all that took place this week am glad that it over!

Talking of weekend if God wills I expect to go to compassion to see how my departure is being handled and to face some looks from the other students. I also joined the drama group in church (sorry I didn't share this earier....guess I got got up with all the happenings)and we will be meeting every saturday from 3.00pm to practice, for the christmas pargent (you will be shocked to know the role I was assigned) during christmas (I can't believe christmas is around the corner and the way........guess this is for another day). I also learnt that the dancing group will be meeting at the same time so I think this is a good chance for me to learn a few moves...

So far am still on the road to recovery, trying to find my way through this storm and stay focussed at the same time. Everyday is a battle with both my emotions, desires, fears, ambitions and flesh. I can't say that I have been winning, actually I can count the more times I have fell than those I have stood firm and not given in to the temptation. But all in all I have learnt to pick up the pieces and continue with the journey, but to be honest as time passes by the more it becomes hard to do exactly that.

Watching and listening to the success stories give an account of there lives (one coregrouper did exactly that yesterday.......)just makes me feel even more of an outcast, (in the process I also discovered that most coregroupers have been meeting with each other and they didn't even inform me......talk of having close friends) funny enough these mails usually come when am feeling so down and blue...

Well heard suddie is coming next week (the beginning of another cycle) and all I can say is let them come.

Well wish me a nice weekend and goodnight.

this guy has a nice blog.

JUST A DAY

Am trying to see where I will begin this post and what do I really want to say! But then I remembered that this is not like a letter am writing and it's neither a speech am going to give, so there is room to be informal, open and free to indulge in the unindugables (if there is anything like that).

Well the day started on a busy and depressing note; guess is because I didn't take my normal and usual cup of coffee that I usually do so as to calm my nerves and mae me see and think better (nescafe need to pay me for advertising there products and for the addiction created by there products......just imagine how much millions I can make if I sued them.....I will be rich rich and rich...I could finally get rid of some thorn I know of....well this are just details)

As you know I don't have a machine right now, so I have been forced to hold camp in the same same place I ran away a few months ago, and use the same same old machine I was using before but to make matters interesting if not worse is I have to face the same same pple I distasted in the beginning, bear to listen to there wainings every time they come from class, fight to use a machine (this is the painful part considering I had a mchine all to my self before) and be all cautious not to offend someone or say something that might be offending or hurting (wack!)

But am trying to have a good time, while in this place and try not to let any of the negative feedback I might get ruin that. I know it will be hard considering I will be in the presence of miss.knowitall (Did I tell you she and her husband gave me a lift on wednesday? Oh yes they did), miss.complainer and not forgetting our 'lovely' administrator and newspaperguy (and now we have a new face in the block and her name will be miss.smilely since she likes laughing alot).

Bureauguy is about to piss me off and he is behaving in a very idiotic manner and a few hours ago he demonstrated that my contempt for him is justified, and I think all I need now is a way to get rid of him completely.

Heard smartkid is sick (no wonder he has shown for work in the last two days) but its a pity that he wasn't around to see his 'big brother and conterpart' behave in a very bitchy manner (sorry for the strong language...it's just that am mad) and support him the way he does as if he is the best thing since sliced bread.

Pray that I get a machine soon so I can get out of her and move to my old place.

I think that's all I want to for say now.

MY DAY

So many disheartening things (I didn't want to use the word 'bad' things) have happened to me to day and I feel like screaming, crying right now.

Its amazing how things can just start falling into pieces before your own eyes and there is nothing you can do about it, since its someone or something, that's beyond your control or realm that is calling the shots at that particular time.

First of all it was computers which started breaking down, and as we speak I have five computers which I have to work on (format and do a full installation of all applications) since they have a probelm I have never seen before and the interesting thing it isn't a virus thats causing this.

Secondly I having been feeling all down and draggy as if I don't have a hold on what am doing and everything seems to be dictated to me by people who I don't even know, or have any regard to me.

If that wasn't enough I discovered that guys in my department were having a meeting with the GM, and no one even the administrator had cared to inform me and I was there with them a few minutes before the meeting actually started (I didn't go even after I learnt about it)

I have been recovering from the effects of 'sinning' last night and trying to regain my composure from all the guilt, anger and low-self esteem I have been having (that explains the draggy feeling) and trying to ask and answer the same question as to what makes me do these things even with the prior knowledge that they are wrong and the negative consequences they offer.

To add on this, the MD came by afew minutes ago and so this computer am using and started to quarrel me infront of bureauguy and smartkid and threating me with dismisal for "being in-surbordinate". Reason! I failed to take this machine to class and instead I have made it mine. So he wants this machine back in class by tomorrow, I don't have a clue as to how I will be doing this considering the amount of data and software upgrades I have done on this computer.

All this has just brought back old painful memories, which I thought were buried in the sands of time and forgotten not to be remembered anymore. So I guess bureauguy and smartkid have a reason to laugh considering what has just happened today.

I guess the best thing I can do right now is just to go home and relax first before making any choices, which can be very deterimental to me right now.

On a different note I learnt today that this guy is the founder of blogger and recently he was mentioned in the hall of fame.

And this is how my day was.

MY WEEKEND

So far what my weekend has had to offer me, I have no complaints.

After complaining and arguing with myself as to whether I should go to mrs.goodygoody or not, my inner man won and I decided to go, not knowing how it will turn out to be and with a running stomach whose cause am yet to know.

The MD finally decided to grant me the permission I wanted yesterday, so that meant having a few more hours of pleasant and treasured sleep, which am sorry to say were interrupted by some timelesstorments kind of thoughts.

This has been happening from monday and the more I try to push this thoughts at the back of my mind the more they seem to attack and comeback with such force and vigour. After thinking about this thoughts (at times you have to do this) I discovered they are about my future, what the future has in store for me and where do I want to be.

With the signing of the job contract and the soon departure from compassion, I have been put in a situation where I don't even know what my next moves are and where do I want to go next. A long time ago I thought by this time I would have cleared with school and would now be concentrating with my career but that's the opposite.

My return to school looks like a dream right now, since the issue of school fees has come back to haunt me, on top of that is even if I should go back to school where in the world will money for up keep in terms of fare and lunch come from. Right now youknowwho is having financial problems and she is looking up to me something that's making me feel even the more hard pressed.

Those around me seem to be having real fun with there lives and they all look set and well ahead of there plans and goals. But when it comes to me I don't even have a clue where I am right now.

Its funny that while we were at mrs.goodygoody's place my mind was how will I go back to the office since the thought of having to go home early was just out of the question. Of late when times to go home comes this saddness and hollowness comes over me and I can't explain why.

I met theartist today on my way to work, and like always the first thing he asked was when will I go to repair his machine but since I don't what to reveal that am pissed off with him and he can take ahike, I told him I was still busy in the office. I also came across of the blinkers that belong to themuscian's camp but she pretend not to see me and I too pretended not to see her. rapheal was also here and all I could do was look interested.

Tomorrow I don't know what the day has in store for me but all I do is surrender it to Him that knows what lies ahead.

So this is what I have to say for now.