TIMES IN THE BATTLE FIELD

I guess last night was among some of the lowest, sorrowful and distress moments in this young life of mine.

Not not did I see myself doing the very thing I distaste but I allowed myself to do it and let the flesh control me even after vowing to myself and the very pple who read this blog (if there are any) that I won't do it again.

All this coupled with feelings of inadequacy, failure, loneliness, anger (for myself and those around me) and failure just made me wish I was never bone and this actually lead to me crying (I did this in the toilet least anyone should hear me), something I haven't allowed myself to do in a very long time.

I had to drag myself out of the office and get a bus home, which at that time felt like doing the meanest and most difficult thing a person can be told to do. When I got home I didn't even have the courage to talk to youknowwho or even look at them on the face since I felt as if they could see the guilt, shame and sin written all over my face. Its funny I how I got to go pass through the night.

I don't think I have the confidence, courage or conviction in me to say that I won't do it again, since nowadays it seems as if the more I say I won't do something the more I end up doing it.

I feel so entangled and weak and wonder how in the world am I going to break away from all this and be free at last; free from the mistakes and guilt that this things have brought into my life.

Nowadays each day feels like a struggle and battle, in which you spend all your time and energy fighting. I think after the end of the day pple should be asking you how your day in the battle field was, and how many casualties did you face.

There are days when I wake up and fear what I will end up doing to myself or those near me, instead of worrying what the day has in store for me and how well am prepared to face the day. Am like a time bomb ready to explode but I don't have a clue as to when this will happen.

Those around me seem to be enjoying themselves and having fun with there lives but here am stuck in a time frame that seems to be going around in circles and just when I think the torments are over the timeframe starts all over again and the battle continues from where they left before.

I don't have answers, I don't know anyone with answers and those who might have the answers don't seem to want to reveal the answers, and those who want to reveaL the answers don't seem to have the time and those who have the time and the answers are faking.