EXPLANATION

Went to compassion today, and learnt that they are serious about departing me from the sponsorship program since according to them "I have reached the maturity age hence am old enough to be departed". Honestly I don't know what to say about all this since if asked I can't see what I have gained or is worth looking back at for all the 13 years I have been there. Am leaving not having gotten into the LDP program, which means I have to look for an alternative means of funding my university education. I don't have a clue where to begin and am left in the dark wondering what my next step will be.

Am tired of wishing things had happened differently and blaming myself for having not been forceful enough to have this matter sorted out early enough. But I wonder whether the guilt and the pain will go away especially now my time there is coming to an end.

If that isn't enough am starting to feel empty and hollow (I couldn't get the words to express what am actually going through) towards my life, my time here, home, so called friends, my future and where I want to go and what I want. I don't know what to think any more and I don't even have the strength to encourage myself anymore. Am back to the point where my life feels like a routine and I do what others want me or tell me to do. I myself don't even know what I want to do and the self motivating factors aren't there anymore.

Last night I was asking myself whether my decision not to take up the job offer by moha was the right thing to do, or was it God opening another door for me in order to move out of this place before something happens. Of late I have been wondering what this place holds in store for me and how long do I want to stay in this place. And to be honest the more I think about it the more I get distressed and have headaches and heartaches.

I have been assigned a new person(actually a lady) and according to the administrator its one way of "trying to make me learn how to live with pple" and "know that the world can never always be mine"(how dubious). So this means my freedom and tranquility has been infringed (sp.) and the things I used to enjoy doing since I was alone, I can't do anymore.

Am having money issues and the funny thing is that I don't seem to be the only one. Tomorrow there will be a get together at coregroup and I voluteered to help in the kitchen, But am asking myself whether am doing this with something else in mind or is it that I have lots of time in my hands to do this.

On my way here this morning, I watched as pple go by in there automobiles and seemed to be enjoying themselves so much. This brought about so many other stuff, which I won't go into right now.

So with that I sign out.