I don't feel like writing anything today so I will let the pictures just tell the story:

After the graduation

The graduation was yesterday and all I can say is am glad its over and done with and its time to move forward and stop dwelling on its memories and happenings.

I really don't have much to say except that I didn't invite anyone and even those I invited didn't show up.

The mwanyumba family treated me out for the day after I had given up and hated the world for all that was happening to me.

I saw many guys there and some guys who I only see on TV but all in all it was a moment to remember. Especially the person I sat next to (no mentioning names)

With that let me get out of here knowing the kind of work thats ahead of me tomorrow.

How am feeling

Funny enough I should be all excited and jolly that am graduating and the fact that I will be attending my first graduation in fact not as a spectator but as a graduant; but I will be lying.How ironic..

Am all 'depressed' and sad, and every now and then I keep asking myself why I did it. Knowing how much money I have spent on this thing the kind of things I have done in order to be able to attend and then this feeling...I just don't even know what to say.

Went for the reheasals (check sp.) first thing in the morning, which proved a rare opportunity of doing something quite different from the one am used to like going to town in the morning (but paid 40bob), went with a shuttle but using a different route and I can say that short experience (although sounds boring) was quite refreshing (I had actually forgot how it was going to town in the morning).

While in the mat waiting to go to juja I met Isaiah, edu and freda, which made the journey there fun and short (talking and joking with guys you know makes time to fly away faster) and when we alighted we met with moha, which even made the walking all exciting and fun (trust me the admin block is like 100 miles from the bus stop...and no this time I didn't decide to go with a bodaboda)

We finally made it to the main square but as usual the main thing didn't start until 3 hours later. But it was all nice seeing pple you have seen for like a whole two years (that long!) and other faces you haven't seen before (the place was full of life and pple)

In all this commotion, noise and excitiment I can truly tell you I onl;y felt lonely, afraid (guess that the pple just showed the no. am competing with) and all segregated. I saw tyrus but I did inside I felt like telling him off (I wish you saw How I tried to hug him), the other person was moha who couldn't stop talking, I think he too was going thro' was I too was going thro' but he didn't want to show it (but the guy is a true example of kindness), did I tell you the dude bought me tea and paid for me fare....He also took me out for lunch but the place was really not what I would call 'my idea eating place' so I pretended I was supposed to go somewhere else (I think He was offended..but what could I DO...)

I also saw where I will sit during the graduation (I pray that tomorrow will be one cloudy day...sincerly I do) and I can't imagine sitting there untill all the names have been read (we will be the last bunch).

On my way back I was trying to see the life outside and how pple are struggling to really make ends met (I wish you heard what another student who was before me was telling me and this old lady who got into the mat I was in and all she had was 10 bob which you could even see was painful for her to give out) and this just made me even more down than I was (no wonder the headache) and start asking even more questions.

Passed by solo's place but he wasn't there, the same with betty, but one thing I can conclude is that 'I don't miss town neither do I want to be associated with it in any way'; trust me the commotion, human traffic, pollution and noise.....I don't even want to say any more.

So tommorrow is the big day...I have only invited laz (I don't think I did it out of a true intention) and I still wonder whether its all that there is to it....

More tomorrow if God wills.

"I see you but you can't see me" thats how i feel.

Unresolved anger

"A race against time" that surmmarizes my journey.

Grass will grow

WHERE DO I STAND

Am feeling depressed, angry, unhappy and low (you get the mix), and the more I try to calm down the more I end up feeling worse.

Just came from having an argument with the administrator, she wants me to have a class which I don't want. Reason; the practical exams are on friday and the classes begin on thursday, when I try to explain this to her she tells me to plan myself, the other reason is that the end of semster is here and that means its cleaning time but that woman tells me I can do the work even over lunch time (why doesn't she work over lunch time)

And guess who supports her in her decision, that pregnant woman who lacks any moral justfication whatsover (I knew she was like her conterpart..sp).

All this has just messed me up, I don't know whether I should see the GM so we can have a look at my job specification (I wish you heard what the @##$@# said when I told her I would see the GM about the matter). Her justification of this matter is that I have been 'leisuring around' and all I do is just watch movies and listen to music (naff her twice).

Considering I was from Juja, tired and mentally exhausted from not only the journey, the events I saw there and the fact that I have to be making my trip to that place agin tomorrow and the day after, and coupled by the fact that I don't have money (I borrowed some from mrs.chairlady); the whole thing just breaks me down.

Talking of graduation, I don't know who to even invite, yesterday I was so tensed that I couldn't even focus, I tried to go to david's house but all I could do was just stare at the TV and just let him talk.

MISS.IWANNABEAMODEL was sacked by the MD on saturday (Why do something have to be this way), Honestly am so sorry for her, that I don't even want to imagine what she might be going through right now. why are some pple so inconsiderate?

My weekend was just another one of those things I just don't want to think about, I went to church (late....but I don't think I missed anything considering who was talking), so the same faces (actually there were more this time), but as soon as church was through so was I. Went to DS (I don't know why I still go back), found everyone to have gone expect the usual characters.

Guess who passes by; my nephew , I won't lie and say was all excited at seeing him, for I knew I had to invite him to come with me to work (I decided not to go iron)and that mean't even going to nav's which I had planned not to go. All in all we spent time together but I can't say it was that meaningful to me (I guess even to me).

And that was how my day and the day before was. Funny enough with all thi happening the temptation not to come to work is getting stronger (I think I should go for that came after all) and the more I think about all this guys who seem to just spoil my day and the fact that I will still be good to them really annoys me (I have just come from giving the bureau guy some software and I just hope I won't come to regret about it later.)

I really pray and ask God that this will not be the way things will be this week, and asking Him to really bless my days and to turn all this negative emotions to soemthing postive, amen.

God is really great, I finally get to go to register for my graduation.

Wish me all the best. (am so nervous)

The world

The world as we view it is much like a dance,
you can take what is coming and live it by chance...
Or seek answers to questions and live it by choice,
just follow your heart and answer its voice.
Chance brings that karmic phenomenon,
manifested reactions from what you have done.
Look for a place that’s hidden within,
search for the message, that’s where to begin.
Talk to yourself, have conversation inside,
it’s a matter of choice, create from the mind.
Picture yourself in a world all your own,
then bring it to life from the seed to the sown.
Search & discover the source of white light,
don’t settle for anything, reach for the heights.
Your goals are the answer to what you achieve,
and it’s almost like magic when you start to believe.
Truth & intuition ...bring gifts to rejoice,
go it by chance or live it by choice!

the end

IN CLOSING

Well am trying to see whether I can finish trying this report before tomorrow morning, since when the administrator asked me when I will finish the report I said today in th evening (me and my big mouth) but will all the things am doing; most of which result from procastination and agreeing to do things I didn't plan to do (am really trying to stop this behaviour) like today I decided to help the 'newspaper guy' mark his papers.

Its amazing how I agree to do things for some pple here, knowing very well what they have taken through and the kind of stuff they said about me. Anyway I agreed and I can't relent on what I said I would do. At the back of my mind I know even after doing this he will still go ahead and do something that will annoy or hurt me.

I wish you heard what the administrator said when she found me marking the papers...but this is for another day

So before I start typing and get carried away, let me stop here.

WHAT!

Am from writing davy mail to tell him about the graduation, I know he will be more disoriented after this than I was, when the news were broken to me.

Today is on the 20th and the graduation is on the 23rd, so far I haven't found the money, mum was telling me how she wants to invite everyone she can imagine of since this to her is "the most important thing that has happened in this family".

The last thing in my mind right now is making this thing all public and if you ask me I don't see anything worth all this fanfare considering am yet to go back to school, there is the balance that's yet to be repaid, there is the tough decision of 'our next move' is concerned and if you ask me there is no one worth inviting for this thing.

I don't know whether I should just drop it and just forget I was even suppposed to graduate in the first place, since the way I see this thing is that I will be forced to conform to many things which am not prepared to do right now.

God please if its your will that I should go for this graduation, I pray that you will help me get money to pay for it.

TODAY

Well the day started of on a saddening note when the administrator called me to tell me that the MD was coplaining about the network in a certain class, when I went to explain the MD starting to quarrel me and telling me how incompetent I had become and some stuff that really made me hate him (and even wish he never came back.

Its amazing that the administrator came to my support and funny enough most of the guys who I never thought they would e.g Mrs.goodygoody. The newspaper guy had a field day making funny of me but that made me feel better.

If that was not enough mrs.goodygoody sees me and the first thing she tell me is that tomorrow she wants to organize a pratical for her class, when I try to tell her how busy I am she acts as if she doesn't care. Miss. know-it-all wanted to start with me but I assumed her and I know she will try and revenge but am prepared. Now mrs.chairlady, wants to giveme work that doesn't belong to me and she even goes to the point of giving me ultimatums.

A few minuted ago the admin was telling me that I have to pay for the graduation fee whether I attend or not. This really started to make me wonder where in the owrld am I going to get that money from and why is this happening at this time, just when I thougt all my probelms as far as the garduation was concerned were over.

Two guys (make it now three...nelly is vamosing) as we speak have already resigned there posts here and this just makes me even wonder the more about my future here and life in all. The issue with the MD made me feel bad about myself and the things I do. The guy doesn't seem to recognize that what I do and all he seems to see are the things am not doing. I really do try to keep this machines running and what makes me made is the fact that I don't seem to be getting any suport for that. My moments here have been full of things that...(I don't even have the words to tell it all).

The more I go through this things the more the questions keep on coming about my life, what is in for me, what do I want and where in the world am I headed.

Working on a saturday




Our GM refused to grant me permission to be away today in the morning
(Was supposed to go to compassion). I wrote him mail to ask for
permission but he takes for ever to respond (actually he never even
responded), I wanted to assume that he had responded and do what I

wanted this morining but I remembered what the MD had said, and
honestly am not in the mood to start being quarreled at, so I changed
my mind and decided to come to work today and go to compassion later in
the afternoon (am sure right now grace is thinking of what to tell me)


So as we speak am at the office, but today I have decided to take slow,
print as many documents as I can, listen to music, watch movies and
just enjoy myself and when the time comes I get the hell out of here.


Yesterday on my way home from work, I came across James and David,
James was all sadface and seemed he didn't want any of my greetings so
I focussed my attention on david whose machine he wants me to repair
but am having second thoughts about (I don't know why this happens to
me....I make a decision them but the next day I regret why I did it)


I later passed by sudi's place (don't ask me why I did it) but there
was no one there so I told the caretaker I will pass by there today,
then I went to mick's place where I spent a few minutes but he didn't
seem excited to see me (wonder whether its the cold) and left.



On my way
home I met with bunch of young guys coming from a baseball
practice, they all seemed excited and enjoying themselves, but the
interesting bit is that when I passed them I felt hurt, afraid, and
melanchonic with some traces of sadness. This is not the first time it
has happened and every time it does , it makes me just....I don't even
know.



The
weekend is here with us and almost over since tomorrow is sunday then
monday (notice the routine). Am still to decide what to do with my self
today and tomorrow ifGod wills. Am prayer is just that I get to
have a nice time.



So with that let me blog off.



NB: Nice changes by guys at blog. And this is my 5oth post

The Journey

Well today has been a journey to try and do so much over a limited period of time, moving from one place to the other, getting stressed, trying to smile, trying to attend to pples needs and so many other stuff; that time doesn't allow me to go into right now.

Thats why as we speak my mind is tired, my legs are crying out to rest and my eyes are straing to look at the monitor. Funny enough when I looked at my things-to-do list (trust me nowadays I have to prepare one or else I won't do anything) I discovered I haven't even done half of which I had planned to do. I think I will now call it my things-not-to-do list.

The server was done since yesterday, so miss.innocent decided to postpone the practicals she wanted done tomorrow until next week. Am sure she will use this as an excuse to condemn me and tell the administrator when this don't go the way she wants (I wonder how her child will turn out to be.

The newspaper guy has also been a bit quiet since he was the one repairing the server but now he is back to normal after having done that.

The meeting that was meant for yesterday couldn't take place, thus it was held on today at lunch time, I was so bored that I even started taking my lunch as the meeting went on. But the good thing is I was called outside, which gave me an excuse not to attend.

Miss.know-it-all has been keeping a quiet profile of late, trying to appear all innocent and good but I know its just for a while.

Davy has confirmed that He isn't going for the graduation, I haven't inquired to know what the implications are (I was busy) but I even don't want to know since I have already made the decision.

I saw a former class mate of mine today but I pretend I was In a hurry to go and pick the phone (okay I lied), but honestly I wasn't in the mood to start chatting with her and pretending all excited to see her. She later went without having to say goodbye. From what I gather she was here to check on the issue of graduation which seems to have gotten most guys excited all of a sudden. I wonder who I will see next!

Am still trying to recover from my feelings yesterday and realize something new about my self and knowing that there is something in me that needs readjustment. I pray that God will hear my prayer and will see me through this.

The weekend is with us again, wonder how it will turn out to be; But our deepest prayer and desire is that we will be able to see it and live it. That God will guide us through and he will direct our paths.

Solo just wrote me mail telling me that he wants to take me out for lunch, on sunday the overseers are going out and I had planned to do ironing too on sunday (talking of having plots when You have others).

So post you later.