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Wednesday, September 28, 2005


BETTER UNTOUCHED

I look at her,
And a smile grows in my face
Just to remember the times,
When she could've been mine.

As she gives me a hug,
while she puts her arms around me,
I remember what I would've given
to only have a chance with her.

But now I see her,
In a different light.
Yes, she still means the world to me,
but now its in a different way.

Her friendship means alot to me,
although we never had much anything else
now I see why God doesn't answer all prayers,
because somethings are better left untouched.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005


My thoughts

I have been looking forward to this the whole of last week but things just got out of control that I actually didn't have the time to post but today I have vowed to post something.

Lately I have noticed there's been alot of love, friends and encouragement streaming around me.

And am sure most of you will try and guess I will go ahead and write how excited I am about all this and how motivated I am. Well thats not the case.

Actually it has been the other way round, am scared, scared about all this. I guess the main reason being, the time I will need the love most, I will need the friends around, and I will be looking for the encouragement, it will not be there all will be there will be just memories and what could have happened.

Am sorry to sound all paranoid and insecure, but thats what my experiences have taught me and I will be damned if I didn't learn from them.

Sunday, September 18, 2005


My Painted On Smile

Perfected in time
Always trying to shine
My painted on smile
While [inside] I cry all the time

My fake existence for you
To try and get me through
I never meant to hurt you
I never meant it to be this way

I tried to be accepted
But you were the only one
Who could understand and except me
In the way in which I am

But still, I lie to you
As I can't accept the way I am
So you see me still
With this painted smile on my face

Monday, September 05, 2005


My day so far...

Well today was my first day at school (yes I decided to go back) and it actually turned out to be quite different from what I had im mind.

I thought I was going to be the only odd one out be all new and not knowing much. But I found alot of pple I knew, pple I was glad to see while others who I wasn't that glad to see but all in all they made my day and added to my anticipation of campus.

At first it all seemed an illusion, me seated in a lecture hall, in a learing institution, waiting for my lecture, but after alot of pinching(to confirm I wasn't dreaming)I realized that this was actually true, it was actually me seated...and the more I thought about it, the more I started to thank God for what He had done.

I know it was crazy talking to myself in an empty classroom, but I had to pray and just thank God for the far He had brought me and the things that He had done/ was doing in my life.

My classmates were also pleasant to be with and talk too, although I prefer being alone most of the times I had to force myself not to feel/ look this way, atleast my pretense and mask did the trick this time.

The classes ended somehow late, but from what I so on the timetable, I will be staying even longer. But who am I to complain, when I know how I have prayed for this. I thank God for that too.

AOB's
I have so much to say here, but I don't think I have the strenght to go there, its been tough, crazy and wierd at times, but just as the poem went, "my head is screwed on tight", regardless of the fact that those I looked up to for backup, forsoke me when I needed them the most, am glad since this has shown me the importance of being independent emotionally and spiritually.

And thats how my days under the sun have been so far....




Sunday, September 04, 2005

I guess the only way to describe what has been happening is through this poem:



ALONE AGAIN

Four o'clock in the morning
Afraid to open my eyes
Another day of grief,
A day of fear.
All alone I feel.
I try to justify all the pain,
All of this guilt before my eyes.
Another day of confusion,
A day of wondering.
Is it ever just going to go away?
All this pain that I feel,
And all this anger, is it going to stay?

Ten o'clock in the evening,
Afraid of the nightmares.
Again my breathing stops.
All I can do is stare into the night.
What is it that causes this feeling?
Another night of crying,
A night of hiding,
Alone once again.
My heart feels empty,
And I can't cry another tear.
Another day wasted on insecurity,
A day of wonder.
Is this ever going to end?